


Never Trust a Condom with Tony Stark's Goatee on the Tip

by Crejhov



Series: Faulty Stark Condoms [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: BAMF Natasha Romanov, F/M, Gen, No Pants for Erik, Two-Headed Goat, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-16 09:01:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4619445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crejhov/pseuds/Crejhov
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You got pregnant while the universe was ending?"</p><p>Between Jane's hyper focus shifting from space to her stretching uterus, Thor's odd traditions and the Black Widow on the search for her missing baby daddy, the only constant in Darcy's life is Erik and his no pants rule and Craig, the two-headed goat who liked to chew on her chain link fence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“You got pregnant while the universe was ending?!”

Darcy rolled her eyes and turned around to face her bestie. “No, I met him during the convergence, he got me pregnant after.” She poked a finger at what used to be her toaster. Then Jane had gotten a hold of it and now it was a delicate instrument of science. 

Jane heaved a long suffering sigh as though she had to deal with everyone coming to her with their unplanned pregnancy announcements. “And how did you meet up with him again after the convergence?”

Probably, she shouldn't tell Jane about the men chasing him or all the guns and knives he had had to take off before he removed his clothes. “We ran into each other a couple days later, on my way to work. I called in sick.” She shrugged because that was as close as she was going to get to the truth. She loved Jane, and she didn't like lying to her, but she also didn't like upsetting her. If she told Jane all about him, she would surely worry over Darcy's safety which would lead to them both losing sleep. Jane's surprise safety drills were a crime against humanity. 

Jane narrowed her pretty brown eyes (deceptively Disney like), “I remember that. You didn't call in sick, you called in horny. Twice!” Heh, that's right. “That's this guy?”

“I have it on good authority that you were just as busy as I was.”

Sailing right on past, Jane got back to the topic at hand. “Alright, so are you going to tell him?”

Here it comes. “No.” Jane startled, clearly she had expected Darcy to say yes. “I would, but we didn't really exchange numbers, or names for that matter.”

Jane sucked in a lungful of air with a hiss. “Darcy,” It was pretty impressive how much scandalized horror Jane could fit into just her name. “What if he infected you with a venereal disease? What if it hurts the baby? What if its some new strain of super herpes? Didn't you use any of those condoms I gave you?” Jane grabbed her hand and gave it an urgent tug. “We need to get you tested right now!”

Darcy was so flabbergasted, that she allowed Jane to lead her all the way out of the lab and into the hall before her mouth and body caught up with her brain. She yanked her arm free. “Super herpes? Do you hear yourself?” She forced a incredulous laugh from her throat. “Are you serious right now?”

“It's very real, don't laugh!” Jane had always been a little fanatical about sexual hygiene education. Odd, since for all her doctorates, she still couldn't manage to work a dishwasher.

Darcy placed both her hands on Jane's shoulder and leaned in. After two and half years together, Darcy knew when Jane was gearing up for a lecture. “Look, I already made an appointment with an OB/GYN in town. You can come with me and make sure the doctor tests for super herpes, okay?”

Her friend was giving her a dead eye stare that had made lesser humans tuck tail. “You're making fun of me, but I'm still coming.” 

Darcy didn't have the self-control to smother her grin. “Are you going to make a list of invasive questions with color coded charts?”

Jane shrugged off Darcy's hands and walked past her and back into the lab. “You'll thank me later.” Darcy's laughter echoed in the empty hallway.

The doctor informed her that she was a day shy of seven weeks and that the black speck in the middle of her screen was her baby. Jane had paused in her aggressive interrogation long enough to coo over its thrumming heartbeat. Darcy just squinted at the screen and tilted her head from side to side. Eventually, it would start looking humanoid. For now it looked like a trembling pinto bean. 

Thor came for a visit two weeks after that and upon landing in Jane's backyard, congratulated Darcy on her growing progeny. He then presented her with a two-headed baby goat. Thor explained that it was a customary gift for expecting mothers. Darcy named the kid Craig. 

While Darcy had been ready to chalk Thor's uncanny knowledge up to Asguardian voodoo, Jane wasn't quiet as convinced. The poor guy cracked in under a minute. Evidently, Thor was just as overprotective of the people he considered his as his lady love, Jane, was. They were perfect for each other. Heimdall was a saint for putting up with Thor's super billion light-year stalking. Then again, he was probably thinking the same thing of Darcy, when he had to witness Jane lecturing her about the importance of glow in the dark safety paint.

Life was good, even if she had morning sickness four out of seven days. Jane was back in her lab at Culver with Thor on an extended Earth vacation. Erik was continuing his sabbatical while he considered a job offer from Stark Industries. And Darcy was crashing in Jane's guest room while she looked for a two bedroom apartment. One of the few hang ups they encountered in their group were Thor's feelings toward Darcy's baby daddy.

“He disrespects you and your unborn child by abandoning you so.” Thor implored, his head lowered to look her straight in the eye and his hand on her shoulder. 

Darcy mimicked his position. “And I appreciate your concern, but banishing him from our realm is overkill. First, and most importantly, because he doesn't even know I'm pregnant.”

Thor heaved the same bone deep sigh she had come to expect from Jane. “Ignorance is no excuse.”

“In this case it is.” She said earnestly. This was the fourth time they had had the conversation and Thor had only touched down nine days ago. “Lets meet in the middle here and save judgment of his character for after I tell him that he's got a kid on the way.”

Thor tilted his chin up and turned to look out into the sunset. Damn. Sometimes he was just so majestic that it made Darcy feel like a potato. After a moment of thought, he turned back to her and gave a slow nod. “Very well, I accept your concession.”

Darcy gave him a wide smile and a thump on his tree trunk of an arm. “Look at you being all princely and diplomatic.”

He returned the smile but the twinkle in his eye left her with a sudden uneasy feeling. “I shall find him and bring him to face his responsibilities as is expected of any man, mortal or not.”

An exaggerated groan erupted from her throat as she let her head fall back. Over dramatic, sure. Called for, definitely. “How are you even going to find him?” Chances were, she would never see the father of her child again and Thor, for all his abilities couldn't help with that. 

As though he knew what she was thinking, his smile brightened a thousand more watts. “The Widow has assured me that she can track him down.”

Alright, its perfectly understandable that her jaw dropped a little. It wasn't every day The Black Widow, fighter of aliens and super spy extraordinaire, offered to track your MIA baby daddy down. Darcy just stared at Thor stupidly as her brain tried to wrap around the image of the lurid red headed woman choking her mystery guy into submission with her legendary thighs of fury. 

“If you'll give me a description, I can pass it along to Natasha so that she may begin her search.” 

Darcy's own father had run off before her gender had been determined. Her mother had left the same trail of dust after birth. Fortunately her paternal grandmother was a saint and had raised her before dying during her first year of college. Darcy wasn't her mother and the nameless father wasn't her father. It had been convenient that she had no way to contact him before, but it hadn't been very responsible. Her kid deserved to know his or her father and he deserved to know his kid. And if he didn't want to then Darcy didn't need him. Also, Thor would probably banish him to the far side of the moon. 

“Um, blue eyes and brown hair, like shoulder length.” She made a cutting motion above her shoulder to show a vague sense of where his hair had fallen. “He's really muscley and tall, like six foot? Maybe?” Darcy hesitated to add the last, and probably most helpful portion of her description. “And he's got a robot arm with a red star on the shoulder.”

Thor blinked. “A robot arm?” He rolled the words around on his tongue with a frown.

“Yeah, I guess he was in an accident or something and someone built him a new one.” Darcy shifted from one foot to the other. He had shied away from her when she had made to touch it several times. It wasn't hard to see that the prosthetic bothered him and she felt like she was crossing a boundary by mentioning it to other people even if it was for a good cause. “Actually, it was pretty advanced tech, he might work for SHIELD.”

A scowl darkened Thor's usually sunny features. “An agent of SHIELD left you with child?”

Darcy fixed him with a glower of her own. “Seriously?”

The rehashing of their argument was put on hold when Jane stuck her head out of the kitchen door that lead to the back porch. “Dinner's ready and since you two didn't help you can wash dishes.” And then she had slipped back inside. 

Darcy turned to Thor with the biggest kitty eyes she could manage. “I'm pregnant and my feet hurt.” She even stuck out her lower lip for good measure. The look he leveled her with let her know that he didn't believe a word. 

SHEILD fell in the last week of April. Three fiery helicarriers lit up the D.C. skyline and every news network across the world. Most of it was speculation. Someone had dumped SHEILD files on Wiki Leaks and every government had scrambled to grab what they could before burying it. The Director was dead, Stark had snapped up the second in command and a few hundred other high up agents and Captain America was unavailable for comment.

What this meant for Jane and Darcy, was that four fifths of Jane's research funds were no longer available and quite frankly, Culver, where they were based, couldn't afford to pick up the slack. Job offers had been pouring in after the events in London when all of Jane's theories were proven correct. A lot of big names had had to swallow their pride and give public and formal apologies for ridiculing Jane's research for the chance to work with Jane. Jane could hold a grudge longer than the Hatfield's and McCoy's and still manage to be twice as bitter. Not that Darcy blamed her, some of them had been downright vicious over the years.

Besides a lack of funding, there was now a gaping chasm in security. As proven when some group calling itself AIM had attempted to steal Jane's work while she and Darcy were still there. It became abundantly clear that the team of three men hadn't expected the two women to still be working so late into the night. They also hadn't expected Thor to bring down the hammer on them. Utter obliteration doesn't quite convey the aftermath of Thor's rage.  
Darcy got an email from CEO Pepper Potts that night on behalf or Stark Industries. A clever move since Darcy only checked Jane's email once a week. Knowing Jane would decline out of spite for the condom bouquet Stark had sent Thor after London, Darcy hammered out the details with Ms. Potts before presenting the contract to Jane and urging her to read it over. 

It could have been the millions in funds thrown at her, it could have been all of the resources SI had at its disposal or it could have been the salary. Personally, Darcy thought Jane's mind had been made up as soon as she had read clause eighteen, and then reread it with a manic grin. She was reasonably sure Tony Stark himself had added it to the contract. Clause eighteen was a thing of beauty and promised that SI and Mr. Stark himself would devote their combined might to humiliate Dr. Reed Richards at least twice a year, but exceeding no more than five times. 

Darcy liked to think that a shiver ran down the pompous scientist's spine as Jane signed the contract with an unholy giggle. Thor had certainly looked ill-at-ease upon witnessing it. Erik, who hated Richards as much as anyone who had ever talked to him, finally signed his own SI contract.

Two days later, the moving vans pulled up to move Jane, Erik, Thor and Darcy to New York. Jane's research and equipment went to her new lab in Stark Tower while her personal belongings were moved to a loft apartment in one of the new post Chitauri apartment buildings in Manhattan. Erik bought a duplex in Queens and leased the other half to Darcy. It was for the best, Erik was one pantsless outing from a sex offenders registry. Also, they could carpool together and Craig the goat had a fenced in back yard to roam.

And for almost two whole weeks, it was quiet and normalish. Erik was happily whittling away at a bunch of numbers on a whiteboard in a lab the next floor up. Probably in only his saggy old man underwear. Sometimes he ditched the shirt too but never his socks and shoes. Jane was at her home riding Thor like a prize bronco at the Texas State Rodeo. And Darcy was catching up on filing and professional correspondence while jamming out to her favorite headbanger tunes. A guilty pleasure Jane hated.

Dragonforce was testing the limits of the supposed sound proofing in the walls when Darcy looked up and saw a red headed woman sitting one of the guest chairs in front of the desk. Her yelp was thankfully inaudible over the screaming guitar riff. Darcy scrambled for the stereo remote to turn the music off. Once that was done, she turned to the woman with a too wide smile fully prepared to pretend she hadn't just been rocking out in her bosses office. 

“Hi, how may I help you?” Darcy repressed the grimace that wanted to form from the overly commercial tone.

The red heads vaguely curious expression transformed into one of amusement. Well at least the impression of amusement. It was hard to tell. She was almost like one of those old Macy's mannequin's before their heads were replaced with twenty percent off offers. 

“Thor asked for my help in locating your,” She paused, the corner of her lips tugging up just a hint more. “wayward lover.”

There was no stopping the grimace this time. Thor and his outdated way of speaking was going to give her a complex one day. The full sentence finally catching up with her, she started. “Oh! You're the Black Widow.” Wow.

Darcy didn't know what she expected, but she was still impressed. This woman with her glass face and cat-like posture was everything Darcy had wanted to be as a little girl. That kind of sensuality wasn't in the cards for Darcy, but damn this woman was working it. 

“I prefer Natasha when I'm not working.” 

Okay, so Darcy may have been a little starstruck. It was perfectly understandable. “So, uh, what can I do for you?”

Natasha tilted her head to the side. “The description Thor gave was lacking in viable information and heavy in insults. I was hoping you could give me something more to go on.”

Darcy could just hear the grim promise to reeducate any man who'd abandoned his progeny and their mother in such a manner. “Really, you don't have to do this. I'm sure you've got so many more important things you'd rather do.”

“I've been looking at the search as a relaxing distraction.”

That poor bastard didn't know what was coming for him. “Alright...”


	2. Chapter 2

The first time Thor mentioned his friend Darcy is after the Battle of New York. Dr. Selvig is updating him on what Dr. Foster has been up to for the past year. Banner is standing with them and making comments occasionally on some of her theories. Stark is harassing Captain Rogers and she and Clint are sitting off to the side, just taking it all in. 

Natasha's only half listening to Thor, Selvig, and Banner until she catches Thor's promise to find Darcy Lewis an appropriate suitor. Evidently, the young woman had no close male relatives to oversee her would-be suitors and a poor track record in love. As proven by her latest relationship that ended with the arson of a local Taco Bell. 

Banner tried to convince Thor that betrothals were no longer a widely accepted custom and before he did anything, he should talk with this Darcy. Selvig, who may or may not have still been experiencing the after effects of Loki's scepter, agreed with Thor wholeheartedly and even made some suggestions. Banner quickly shot those down, citing that most of those men were over fifty and completely inappropriate for a twenty something woman. The conversation quickly devolved into Thor's newfound insecurity that he was too old for Foster. 

Over the next year, the subject of Darcy Lewis, along with Jane Foster, came up with increasing frequency. It seemed that the two women were a handful and had an uncanny knack for spotting undercover SHIELD agents. Clint, in particular, got a kick out of reading the reports centered around the two in SHIELD's attempt to bring Foster into the fold. 

Unfortunately, Clint liked to share their exploits with Natasha and his timing was as poor as ever. Such as a mission in Bolivia where the two were stuffed into a hot sweatbox of a broom closet.

“- and then,” He paused to smother another round of chuckles, “Booth said she took his shoe and tossed it into the portal!” 

As amusing as Agent Booth's failure in London was, now was not the time. She shoved an elbow into his ribs with a hiss to shut his trap just as their target rounded the corner. Despite his demand to do the opposite, Natasha judged him. Clint kept up with Foster and Lewis like most people kept up with the Kardashian's. It was utterly ridiculous and she teased him about it relentlessly. 

After the Invasion of London, Thor had apparently earned a little vacation time and had set up shop with Foster, Selvig, and Lewis at Culver. Two weeks after he returned to Earth, he came to DC and had dinner and drinks with her and Steve. Clint had been sour when she passed the news on to him while he was out on assignment in Romania.

The night had gone well with lavished tales of battle and laughter and had only ended after the manager of the restaurant had finally run them off after closing. Steve left them on the curb with a wave of his hand before disappearing around a corner on the back of his motorcycle. Natasha offered Thor her obligatory good night but was stopped as the merriment left his face and hardened disappointment took its place.

“Natasha, I must ask a favor of you if you are willing to accept.” 

She raised a brow in amusement at his grave tone and nodded for him to continue. As she soon learned, after living for centuries, Thor had accumulated an extensive well of insults and swears. All of which, he used to describe the motherless cur he wanted her to find. He had even surprised her with a few current, and pretty damn graphic, curses; no doubt picked up from Foster. The woman could reportedly leave anyone red-faced when she got on a roll. 

Natasha agreed, if only for the amusement of Clint's reaction to finding out Lewis was pregnant. He was oddly attached to the women despite never actually meeting them. 

“Do you have a description of the father?” She asked, taking note of the stars above disappearing behind ominous thunderclouds. 

Thor's dark glower deepened. “Aye. The fiend is of, or above six feet in height with brown locks and a 'robot arm'.” 

The term was clearly a direct quote from Lewis as the words came out clunky on Thor's tongue. A man with a robot arm was intriguing, a vast majority of the dismembered population were stuck with the average plastic and metal prosthetic that was capable of limited functionality. A 'robot arm' would indicate that the father had the resources to afford such advanced technology. 

Another disturbing possibility was that the father could be the same man who had put a hole in her stomach in Odessa. The Winter Soldier. A ghost story. The very idea that he had knocked up some girl after the incident in London was laughable. Utterly ludicrous. Still, the slight possibility existed and she would be remiss not to take it into consideration during her search. 

“Did Miss Lewis give you any other details on this arm?” The arm would likely be the key to identification. 

“Aye, a red star on the shoulder. Darcy thinks that given the advancement of the arm, that he might be aligned with SHIELD.” Thor had now leveled her with a suspicious look. 

Natasha tilted her head back in thought, the mention of a red star immediately had her thinking of Mother Russia. “No one comes to mind, but I'll search our databases with the criteria you've provided.” She patted his arm. “I'll keep you updated on my findings.”

Natasha had successfully filtered through the entire SHIELD employment database, past and present, before getting the call to rescue the personnel on board the Lemurian Star. After that, things got busy and before jumping over the side of the overpass, Natasha knew she had possibly identified the father of Darcy Lewis's unborn child. Thor would not be happy. Steve even less so. 

When Nick's death turned out not to be as permanent as previously thought, Natasha shared her theory with both her Director and Deputy-Director. Well out of Steve's hearing range of course. James Buchanan Barnes, born 1917, world-renowned sniper of WWII, second in command under Captain America, presumed dead, turned asset by Nazi offshoot, Hydra, had fathered a child with a 24-year-old assistant to a woman who could open wormholes nearly a century after his birth. Nick had laughed so hard he ripped several of his stitches. Natasha didn't blame him, though Maria did. The whole scenario was absolutely ridiculous, like some sort of daytime soap plot. 

Once Nick had been stitched back up, he had given Maria orders to oversee Lewis', and by extension, Foster's, protection. Once they disabled the tricarriers, Maria was to report to Stark for employment and bring in Foster from there. Naturally, Natasha would also be welcomed given her connection with the Avengers Initiative. She was to find Lewis and softly interrogate her concerning the events in London and her connection with James Barnes and if possible, confirm paternity.

It took several weeks from Thor’s initial request and the events in DC to find a moment to question Lewis. In that time her belly had grown enough that the curve was just visible under her loose blouse and that she had to use a hair tie to keep her slacks up. Looks like it was time for someone to go shopping for maternity clothes. 

Natasha had seen Lewis enter Stark Tower that morning and made a mental note to visit her after her briefing with Hill. By the time she made it to Foster’s office with attached lab space, Lewis was a guitar solo deep into some sort of power ballad and neither heard Natasha knock or saw her take a seat in front of the desk she was working at. When she did see her uninvited guest, she was quick to scramble for the radio remote. Even more amusing was that Lewis was committed to pretending that she wasn’t just doing her best impression of a headbanger.

Natasha explained the reason for her visit and watched Lewis shuffle the papers on the desk before her in an effort to gather her thoughts. “Really, you don't have to do this. I'm sure you've got so many more important things you'd rather do.”

“I've been looking at the search as a relaxing distraction.”

Lewis shrugged her shoulders and leaned back in her chair, her hand unconsciously or not, going to the swell of her belly. “What is it you need to know?”

“Everything you can remember, often it's the small details that help identify a person.”

“Well, he was tall, but not as tall as Thor, so around 6 feet, I guess? I’m short and it’s hard to tell sometimes. And, uh, there was the robot arm- did Thor tell you about the robot arm?” She asked while gesturing toward her left arm and waiting for Natasha's response. 

“He did. He said there was a star on the shoulder as well.”

“Yeah,” Lewis had splayed her hand just below the shoulder joint of her own arm right where the star on Barnes' arm was stenciled. “a big red star. And he had kind of like shoulder length brown hair and blue eyes.”

So far, her description was matching up to Barnes perfectly. Just as Natasha knew it would, Lewis's confirmation was really a formality at this point. What she needed now was a timeline of events to see if anyone in Hydra could put two and two together. 

“Was there anything else? Scars, moles, anything like that?”

“Uh, he had one of those things…” Lewis flapped one hand in the air uselessly while the other gestured toward her chin. “Cleft? Yeah, he had a cleft chin and a truly killer jawline.” Lewis grinned a little at this, likely stuck in a memory involving said jawline. “There was also scarring around the shoulder and chest of his metal arm like it was up under his skin.”

“Anything else?”

Lewis looked up at the ceiling in thought before a wide smile took up her face. “He, uh, has these three little freckles all in a row on his…” 

Natasha took a moment to imagine a scenario where she would have to prove Lewis and her child’s legitimacy to Steve and need to use the placement of the freckles on the Winter Soldier’s cock as proof.

“What can you tell me of him? What was he wearing, the things he said, did you notice an accent?”

“Honestly, we didn’t talk much, American I guess? But I wouldn’t be able to place it.” She shrugged her shoulders. “And he was wearing, like, this black leather jacket thing with a bunch of straps in the front and missing the left sleeve and some black pants like you see on special ops guys in the movies. Also, so many guns! And knives! Like he covered my little breakfast table in my room with them. And maybe he had a utility belt, but I could be thinking about Batman?”

Natasha smirked. “How did you two meet and what lead to your tryst?”

Lewis snorted, “Tryst. How dainty. Well, I got caught in one of those portals that were popping up all over Greenwich. One minute it was me and the Intern hiding behind a statue, the next I’m staring down the barrel of a creepy space elf and his sci-fi gun. Then mystery man comes along and pops the space elf.

“Then he points his gun at me! He was super paranoid, he did it like three or four times the entire time I was with him. So then the frost beast comes out and I bolt for cover. Meanwhile, mystery man is unloading his gun at the thing and just pissing it off. So then while the frost beast is distracted or something, he comes running so we’re both hiding in this alley. Then I fell in another portal and he didn’t follow.”

While Lewis wove her tale, Natasha considered the best way to go about breaking the news to both Steve and Thor. Thor would need to know so he could help keep an eye on Lewis and because he was the one who brought this to her attention in the first place. Not keeping him abreast of the situation could backfire and not only put Lewis in danger, but also damage team dynamics within the Avengers. It was that very same reason Steve needed to know about Lewis. Not that he’d put an innocent civilian in danger, but he had a well-documented history of running into things head first and putting himself in unnecessary danger. 

Fury had decided that Lewis would need to stay in the dark until Barnes had been brought in. Still, she was in danger, not just from Hydra but from governments all over the world including her own who would want to exploit the fetus growing inside of her. She, Hill, and Thor couldn’t watch over her all day and night. Lewis would need to take some precautions herself.

“-and there were goatees on the tip! Like, who let him do that? Doesn't he have handlers or something? And then the condoms didn’t even work!” Lewis made an exaggerated gesture toward her baby bump. “Jane wrote one hell of a scathing letter to the manufacturer.”

Natasha allowed the small smile she had slip to signal a change in conversation from Stark’s questionable brand placement. “Given the information you’ve provided on the father of your child, I think you should consider carrying an alarm-tracer.” 

That seemed to trouble her. “You think I could be in danger?” It was troubling how easily she had welcomed a man armed to the teeth into her life like she had. 

“There’s a possibility you could be.”

“I mean, I guess it can’t hurt anything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, everyone, for being so patient with me! I can't promise speedy updates or any form of consistency but I'll try to not let months and months go by in between chapters.


End file.
